Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Randomize
