I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
