Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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