mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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