ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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