woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
