So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
