Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
