This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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