Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
