If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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