The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
