I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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