he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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