Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
