The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
