Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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