a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
