These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
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