i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
