Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
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