dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
