Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
