i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
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