Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
