We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
