god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
