tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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