Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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