my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
