remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
