she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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