His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
