It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
