smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
