The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
