I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
