GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
