yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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