So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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