i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
