his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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