You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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