im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
