Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
