You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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