hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
