You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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