I cannot find my penis.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
