I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
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