I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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