never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize
