I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
