you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
